More to me than you care to think!

Following an annual cancer check up a couple of years back I was shocked at the lack of emotional awareness the consultant had when he told me he felt a mass in my abdomen and more tests were needed. Luckily everything was OK but I wrote this as a result.

More to me than you ‘care’ to think!

I am more than just the disease you see,

here lying in the bed.

Or sitting in the chair

outside the clinic that you led.

So let me introduce you to

the patient that you see,

and then you’ll realise who it is.

Not disease, nor check­up, but me!

But first just let me set the scene

as we get close to check­up date.

I worry what you will say to me

as your results could seal my fate.

Inside this so called patient

is a beast I cannot tame.

One that appointment date awakes,

fear and terror is its name.

I have got to know this beast so well

since we met when I was four.

With the surgery and chemotherapy

for Cancer that came knocking at my door.

Now still forty years later

Fear and terror wakes again

As the check up date comes closer

your clinic door, the lion’s den!

First of all the clinical tests.

the blood test from my veins

I watch it fill the path lab pot?

My future it contains.

The terror then starts, the fear attacks

A weakness it has seen

As I sit and wait and worry

whilst you consider it routine.

You’re late again, clinic time delayed,

the beast attacks once more

As I’m waiting for you to call my name

through a semi ­opened door.

And consider when I enter,

that I’m not just another on your list

but a person who has this done to

every year with not one missed!

“Your bloods are fine lets examine you.”

Routine again I bet.

But every lump and bump you find

brings back memories I can’t forget.

So again more tests, a further wait

This time the beast remains.

I really wish you would understand

what your actions and words contain.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming you

For what the tests you do may find.

But I blame you for not looking

in my eyes and what’s behind.

I am more than just a process

that must be followed year on year

and the words that will put the beast at bay

are ‘Good news. You are all clear!’

Then the beast will sleep again

Just sleep. Not disappear.

But wait to wake and rise once more

for my appointment again next year.

So now you’ve seen the person here

with fear and terror interlinked.

Look behind these eyes of mine.

There’s more to me than you ‘care’ to think!

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